The kangaroo is a bouncing rat monster whose whole goal in a fight is to rip your testicles off. They’re the second most dangerous Normal Type Australian animal you can encounter, being beaten only by a combination between a feather duster and a velociraptor. You can eat that too, but today we’re making chilli out of an animal so badass only Ice-T has ever successfully portrayed one.

Eating kangaroo is great because eating an animal drenched in the warrior energy of a thousand testicles both tastes better and is easier to source. They’re everywhere and people shoot them, so they’re a great option for environmental vegetarians, and people stockpiling masculine energy for one of Australia’s famous boss runs.

You’ll need a kilo of it which will run you between 8-10 dollarydoos. I have no idea how to get it in Not-Australia, so you’ll have to put down your assault rifles and your baguettes for a moment and look for yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll need a large pan with high edges or a slow cooker, though this recipe is presuming a high edge pan.

Ingredients

1 kilo of kangaroo flesh.

You’ll get a bonus 8 hearts back if you killed the kangaroo yourself.

Two tins of tomatoes.

The medium type, or one of the big lads. This is a red and brown dish, so the tomatoes are the red part of this.

Two tins of refried beans.

You can go one if you want but I go two as it gives the end result a near mashed potato consistency that is useful for burrito rolling. Trying to roll a sloppy mess in a burrito is like trying to catch your own vomit in a tissue.

Two medium onions.

Brown or white, the cooking onions. Red can be used if you have no other ones around, but they’re a bit light and sweet for this dish. This is an angry dish that resents you for existing at all, so the onions need to be the kind that make you cry.

Two whole knobs of garlic.

This is not negotiable. Don’t be a little bitch. Garlic is a magical food that imbues you with arcane strengths, eat it whenever possible.

1-2 habaneros.

These are great, one costs nothing and adds a fun, housemate-punishing zest to your meals. I used to be one of those guys who ate the spiciest things he could, and while I still enjoy a bit of heat, I grew tired of feeling like I was trying to shit a length of barbed wire every morning. I maintain that it’s a mark of immaturity to prove yourself by eating purpose-bred poison fruit, but you do you.

A capsicum.

My brother ate a whole yellow one like an apple once and I still think about that. I go green as they’re cheaper and the colour contrast is fun.

1 cup of cumin.

All foods are just stews with different ingredients. Do you know what the difference between a Bolognese and a chilli is? Cumin. Put lots of it in or you’re just some kind of maniac who put refried beans in his pasta sauce, and not only will I not take responsibility for any mockery you get for doing this, I will join in and probably take things too far.

Half cup of coriander.

Coriander is the treble to cumin’s bass; you want a bit but not as much as the cumin. This assumes the powdered variety. Fresh is good too but go harder with that. Fresh coriander is great. Actually, before I forget, don’t get spices from a fucking supermarket. That shit’s a grim ripoff, $2.30 for 25 fucking grams! Go to one of those Indian stores with the blatant fire hazard quantity of shelves, get 250 grams for $2.50. Bulk spice prices are generally where it’s at. I went to an outlet store the other day and got 3 kilos of chipotles in abodo for 21 dollars, now my dick is slightly girthier and everything tastes excellent.

1 cup of smoked paprika.

Smoked paprika is the thinking man’s paprika. Sweet is the manic pixie dream girl of spices and hot paprika is something Hungarians invented as a prank on people who don’t know cayenne pepper exists.

Salt.

Salt.

1 cup of vinegar.

This may be the fact that I once drank a whole bottle of cider vinegar talking, but I love vinegar. This will compliment the coriander in giving your chilli a flavour complexity beyond just brown guck.

Method

I’m an adult who can feed himself, so I have nifty devices like a mandolin slicer and food processors to make this easier. If you don’t have these, find your sharpest stone and cut the onions, garlic, capsicum, and habaneros up. The garlic and habaneros should be cut pretty fine, but the rest can be “rustic” (shithouse). Toss these into a pan that is hot but not smoking, with some oil. I assume you have oil. I didn’t list it in the ingredients for the same reason I don’t consider lube a genital.

Get these translucent, a little brown is fine, then toss the kangaroo in and brown it. You’ll wanna have a wooden spoon or something like that, and really dig at the kangaroo meat so it breaks up. Once the meat is brown, add the spices and fry it a bit longer. Frying brings out the spices and really makes ‘em pop, and this whole meal is all about that. It’s an aggressive dish that leans in and demands your attention, don’t fight it.

Once everything is well coloured and smelling good, pour in the tins of stuff and give them a good stir. Once you’re looking at a bubbling brown mess, add the vinegar. Congratulations, now you just have to wait until the heat does its magic, so set your stove real low, cover the pan, and wander off for a half hour.

While it’s still hot, it will be quite runny, and good for nachos. If you let it sit for a while, or let it cook for a bit uncovered, it will be thicker and good for tacos or burritos. You can also just eat it with a spoon.

This is a nutritious meal that most of you dingbats can manage. If you can’t, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with you. To be honest, I’m just impressed you can read.

By Gabe.