From the desk of Gabriel Morton: Cave of Mystery

From the desk of Gabriel Morton: Cave of Mystery

[dictation mode activated]

Gah! Something is biting me! Eugh, millipedes, where the fuck– Why am I in a pit in a cave? Are these naturally occurring millipedes or did someone fill this specific divot full of them to fuck with me? I need to find my way out of [scraping sounds] CHRIST. Naturally occurring millipedes! Goddammit, I need some light. [slapping sounds] HA! And Janice said that bioluminescence was a fad! Allllllright, I just need to get my bearings and figure out what’s going on here. Aha! That’s how the little buggers are biting me. These millipedes all have Charles Grodin’s face. Okay, that means I’m pretty far west of the city, somewhere in the Open Zone by the looks of these things. Good work, I’ll admit, using the neck waddle to cover an extra joint gave them the ability to feed while still retaining that deadpan face. I loved your cameo in So I Married an Axe Murderer, sir.

[Grodiny sounds] [scraping]

Okay… Keep focused, Old Man, you don’t leave the city much, you’ve no idea what could be in here, and HR made you deactivate all your symbionts. So we’ll get through this and have a little chat to HR about why they were there in the first place and who’s an idiot who will never have a genuine reason to use them. You know, [small rocks tumbling] I agreed with the State that these things needed to be shooed out where they can’t meddle with the legitimate biosphere but it’s a real shame people couldn’t be a little more responsible with their Lego Genetic Abomination sets. Some of these things are fun and fairly harmless. Rue McClanahan-head bats! See, those are great for the younger kids. But all it takes is one 500 metre tall Vinnie Jones wrecking up the place and hard rules have to be put in place.

[flapping sounds] [southern vamping]

I wonder if the 600 meter tall Michael Chiklis they built to fight it is still out here?

Ohhhhhhkay, the bats are flying over there and it looks like there’s some light getting in so at least this is the kind of cave I can get out of.

I bet this was Janice. I wonder what time it is. Has to have been Janice. I hope I haven’t missed too much of the day. Odd that Janice would spend two Revenge Tokens that close together though. That bit looks steep. It’s not like her to do that so maybe she was trying to outhink me? [scraping sounds] [grunting] Been a while since I’ve done chin-ups and–huff [dragging sounds] Huh? Okay, for the benefits of the dictation implant, the bioluminescence on my left outer arm says, “IT WASN’T JANICE”

That’s exactly thing kind of thing Janice would write. But… buuuuuuut, she’s not good enough herself to tamper with my genes. She buys her stupid revenges online, the mulch-witted tart lacks the fundamental creative energy to pull something like this off…

[standing sounds]

Gaaaaaah! Ultra violet! Tan… TAN DAMMIT. Oh thank– Okay, for the benefit of the dictation implant, the tan on my right outer arm has left blank skin that says, “IT’S BEEN 1 WEEK”

Okay so it definitely wasn’t Janice, interrupting this much business is outside Union Approved revenge parameters and grounds for being shot out of an old-fashioned cannon. Okay, I’ve either been blacked out in a cave of genetic novelty items for a whole week or someone dumped me there recently. Gonna guess recently as I’m not now fuelling the growth of more Charles Grodin millipede eggs. Ah, a noble way to go. And people said those things would never survive on their own. Well, I’m annoyed but [thigh slapping sound] I am impressed. Someone’s gotta get up pretty early to get me like this.

I’m going to turn them into liquid and drink them but I’m sure they’ll delight in the honour.

But, first thing’s first, I have to get out of here and if memory serves there’s a combination kangaroo, shark, and Jim Belushi that gets about these parts in far more dangerous than you’d think herds.

“Jahé, everybody, jahé”

What the fuck was that?

“It means ‘hello’. I can say ‘hello’ in a lot of different languages. Not yours, but a lot of them”

Oh, aww, little guy quotes Midnight Run.

“You lied to me first!”

Haha! I like you, Charles Grodin Millipede. Fuck the rules, you can come with me as a pet. You’ll probably be good for something even if that’s just being thrown at a furious Jim Belushi creature.

So, Chuck, you and me are going to climb down this mountain and walk away from the setting sun. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some kind of a signal and we can get out of here after I’ve carefully concealed you in a banana leaf. After that, I’m going to get an idea what’s going on and have HR reactivate my symbionts.

I wonder what’s going on back at the office.

Gabriel.

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